Home
In The Mirror: Madi’s Story
In the mirror, I see a reflection. And I that reflection, I see pain. The pain seeps through those eyes in the mirror, and into my heart that is barely beating. Tired, tired eyes take the reflection and put it in me. I can stare at the tan girl, beautiful tan girl, who is barely alive, every day. I do. She puts on dark eyeliner, and is saddened, and the pain keeps on coming from her, and to me. And as I run my hand through my hair, the girl does it to. That painful reflection. The hidden secrets within that painful reflection.
The million things, we don’t want to hear.
~*~
Nothing made sense anymore, the words echoing loudly in my head. I kept my face, hard and unseeing to the world around me. My mom's tone of voice was sympethetic and telling me how perfect I was, but I knew how untrue it was. Nothing made sense, the world swirling into each other, the colors fading perfectly into the black hole that I called my mind. My mind was blank as a sheet of paper, as confused as everyone. It was scared all the same. They tell me to never change, never change at all. That is bull, as I learned today, the day that would mark me so well. It changed, scarred me, perminantly. In the end, there was no way to escape, and no way to erase the dark thoughts that marked the sheet of paper in my mind.
I spent the rest of the summer eating healthier, exersicing right, and maybe a little more than I should have worked out. The weight still stuck to me, hugging my body, mocking me. I'd push myself harder, and eat a little less. Simple. Everyone did it, every day. I worked till closing time, sweat dripping. That sweat was my badge of honor, and I wore it proudly.
I'd show that casting director I wasn't too big.
~*~
For the first time in forever, I was happy. I was Young Simba in our schooll's play. Most people wanted to be older and a bigger part. I was long limbed, graceful and short, all in a child like way. The role fit me perfectly. Though, one dark thought lingered in the back of my mind. Maybe if I was less of me, and more of perfection, I'd be casted as Nala, or someone bigger than me. The thought made my chest sting, bringing hot tears to my eyes.
Echoing words filled my silent mind. I bumped into Sarah Beth, who flipped me a French manicured bird. I felt a hot tear run down my cheek, but that was all I'd allow. Wiping the trail away in one fluid motion, I looked back in her direction. Those perfectly pink polished lips mouthed the words 'Fat'. It took my will not to burst into tears over my Billy Elliot shirt. I heard a muffled call to me through the cafeteria.
Normally, I ate in the library, studying for my Algebra test that our teacher gave every Friday. I hated Algebra, almost as much as I hated Sarah Beth and Kate. And I hated them almost as much as I hated my body, my not so perfect body.
Instead of going back to the library, I follow the voice that calls me. A girl looks at me, and says the word 'dancer'. I laugh at the accuracy. We fall into a comfortable silence, before talking again. The feelings of happiness surges through me, and erases the black marks, but only for a second.
~*~
Leslie planned a sleepover for tonight. I automatically lean towards my I Heart Oz teeshirt that made me feel perfect. Dark wash jeans and my blue converse, the outfit that I felt safe in. Before I go, I look in the mirror. The shirt hugs me too tightly. My Mom isn't home, but if she was, she'd tell me to get on with it and leave. Instead of sitting in my room, listening to nothing, I hop on my bike, and ride over to Leslie's. It's only a short bike ride, maybe five minutes tops. Her door is closed, and I hide the bike, ands grab my bag. Leslie would wonder why I didn;t have my mom drop me off.
My parents were too busy. Dad was flying around, France normally. He dined with internaational stars, for who knows what. He wanted to find new stardom, new people who no one knew. He didn't want his daughter to sing, because he knew that I was too soft.
Mom was a traveler, and just didn't stay in one place for too long. A week, she's visit me. A week in a month. Maybe she'd tell me I could fly wherever I wanted for a week, if something major was happening to me. I sighed, and ringed the doorbell.
At the begining, I ate just about as much as the others would. We talked, and giggled. We sang and dance. I felt at ease, in my element. It was about two when we finally decided to hit the hay. But, after an hour of talking, I finally felt tired.
Jealousy filled my mind, as I saw the girl's flat stomachs. Much flatter than mine. I ate to much. I wouldn't eat as much, and I'd exersice more. That's all I could do. It sounded perfect to me, and only to me.
I ate a simple apple for breakfast. Once I was home, I didn't eat anything else. That day my stomach was in so much pain. But I had lost about a pound, so I didn't eat. And when I did, it took less and less food to fill me up. It was a simple plan. Simple, simple plan. The dark marks were already being erased.
~*~
I was texting Leslie one night. I told her how much I weighed. Too much. Too much. In less than fifteen minutes, I was being forced out of my house. I cussed her out, and I didn't care. I was too mad, far, far too mad. Tears rolled down my cheeks. I started to sing the song I had finished before I texted her in my head:
It's about one in the morning.
No ones home.
Exepct me and my songs,
and I'm alone.
I'm alone for another night,
I'm alone again.
Singing sad songs,
dreaming of a time back when.
Times back when I smiled.
Times when I didn't cry myself asleep.
Where the world was filled with sunshine
When I was alive.
I use to laugh out loud,
more than I'd cry.
I knew who I was.
Now, I just want to die.
Now its just me, singing.
Filling every corner with silence.
Me, singing,
dreaming of a time back when.
Times back when I smiled.
Times when I didn't cry myself alseep.
When the world was filled with sunshine.
When I was alive.
I strum this guitar.
Nothing more to say.
The music stops.
I stop to play.
Now I am falling,
into reality.
There's no more dreamin,
No more dreamin for me.
Times back when I smiled.
Times when I didn't cry myself to sleep.
When the world was filled with sunshine.
When I was alive.
~*~
I lay in the hopsital, alone. I sigh, tears rolling down my cheeks. I want out, I want out. I want out.
~*~
Sarah and Katie become my friends. I don't know why. I don't like them or anything, but, they don't bother me. They hand me size zeros, instead of size twos. They like me, or so I think. They tell me I'm fat, then go and say how skinny I am too my face. I start to eat less and less, and start to sing more and more. I am so confused, utterly confused. I want to die.
~*~
Rain falls down my window pane
The light outside sparkling
Rainbows appear on the mindow
And suddenly you're here
I've only met you in my dream
The sunshine in the night
Falling into open arms, I know
It's only you
Your laughter haunts me,
like an autumn wind
But your smile warms me
Like the summer sun
I've only met you in my dreams
Sunshine in the night
Falling into open arms, I know
it's only you
Only you I have eyes for
Only you keep me awake at night
Only you would love me
Then why haven't I seen you in real life?
Suddenly, you aren't in my dreams
And suddenly, there's no sunshine
The boy who is the only one
Is gone
I don't need a knight in shining armor, anymore
But I'll still be be waiting for
Because, it's only you.
~*~
The weeks are going by so fast. I cannot hold onto it. I don't remeber, anything.
What's wrong?
~*~
"Now, life has killed the dream/ I dream." I hold the last note, vefore it cracks to the ground. Tears spill from my tired eyes, and I am unaware that the recorder can still hear my voice. A scream erupts from the pit of my stomach. The words stumble out of my breath, almost going to fast to pick up, but not fast enough to not hear.
"God, what's wrong with me? My life, it's dull and blank. Nothing to live for anymore, nothing to live for anymore. Less, less, less I tell myself. LESS LESS LESS! FAT BITCH! FAT UGLY MOTHER FUCKING BITCH! Look how npretty everyone else is, and how un pretty you are." A scream comes again, from the bottom of my sould. It makes my hairs stand on end, and burns my throat, "And he said I was too fat. I'm an anorexic bitch, and I hate it. I FUCKING HATE MY SHITY LIFE! MY PARENT'S DON'T CARE! If they did, maybe they'd see how fucking SKINNY I WAS! They point to me in the hallways, and they look away. I CANA'T STAND IT! LESS, LESS, LESS! YOU ARE WORTH NOTHING, YOU ANOREXIC BITCH!" I burst into uncontrollable tears, and they are painful to listen to. My stomach feel controtred from not eating, and I can feel the bile rising in my throat. I heave the very small apple I ate for dinner.
"Life has killed the dream I dream. I killed the dream I dream. Screw this. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what it was like to watch. I just, I just don't know. I don't know anymore. This is my last chance to say something, I can feel it."
Pause.
"Fuck."
~*~
Barely alive,
Barely breathing.
Deadly awake.
Nothing anymore.
All bones,
no blood.
Empty thoughts,
restless night.
Goodbye.
Silent tears,
aching pains
My mind
going insane.
Listen closely
All friends
Hoping wishes
Gone, forever.
Goodbye.
~*~
I don’t even remember it now. It’s a faded memory, like a faded tee-shirt that you never wear anymore. Now, my clothes hang on me weirdly. I go for days without eating. My hair is dull, and my skin is dark and almost see through. I weigh fifty five pounds. Am I better now? I think I’m still too fat.
My locker was right next to the bathroom. I finished the exam early, and was excused. I ran over there, and felt myself throw up. An iron taste was left in my mouth. I was nothing now, but skin and bones. Was I satisfied? No. Even the skin weight too much. Looking at myself in the mirror, I saw how ugly I was. You could once tell I was pretty, but now, I was nothing. I sobbed, my whole body shaking. Fifteen minutes of crying. I got over it, and walked outside, and Leslie was at her locker. My eyes focused on her, and I felt my body sway. I leaned on my locker, and felt everything spin. I didn’t see who the girl in front of my was, and I felt everything drop, going black. Pain shot up my head, and then nothing.
~*~
I spent the next days through life and death . They gave me fluid, then tried to give me something to eat. I threw it up. My body would take no substance, and it was hard keeping the fluid in. I felt my eyes fall-