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If You Really Knew Me...
If you really knew me, you'd know that...
I really do have OCD.
Since I was younger I have done things that I just now realized are very OCD-like behavior
I remember in elementary I was teased for smelling my food before I ate it.
But I couldn't stop.
I don't really know how it stopped, but it did.
I go through different phases of obsession, and eventually grow out of it.
Luckily it is not as serious as ones I have seen on TV.
If you really knew me, you'd know that...
I am scared to hang out with people because I don't know what to do or say.
I tend to talk about school a lot, but have learned that people don't want to talk about it,
so I really don't like to hang out with people one on one.
If you really knew me, you'd know that...
I'd much rather stay at home than go out and do something with people.
Because I don't like to talk in fear of annoying others, I keep to myself.
Although this becomes a problem when I get bored and need something to do.
If you really knew me, you'd know that...
My life is a bunch of lists.
No joke. They're everywhere.
Every notebook I have ever started has almost nothing except for lists.
Lists about the weather, lists about make up to try, lists about who to invite to my grad party.
You name it, and I've probably made a list for it.
Sometimes I cannot even function unless I make a list.
Such as homework, I won't start it until I make a list of what all I need to do, and what order to do it it.
It's pathetic, but it's probably something I will never stop.
If you really knew me, you'd know that...
I have cried myself to sleep several times because I think about death.
Whether it's death in my family, my friends, or my own death.
Now, I am not really scared of it anymore, and would almost prefer to die young, I used to be terrified of it.
If you really knew me, you'd know that...
My used to think my parents were going to get divorced, and that scared the hell out of me
I know parents always bicker, but as a child I hated seeing my parents fight, and I would hide up in my room once I heard them arguing.
It would kill me if they ever split up, but the little things that bring them closer make my day. (:
If you really knew me, you'd know that...
I constantly think of myself as unattractive and fat.
I really can't help myself.
My self-esteem lowers when my shorts are snug, when my face breaks out, etc.
I make diet and exercise lists when I just feel like I need to lose weight.
If you really knew me, you'd know that...
As selfish as it sounds, I like to talk about myself and my involvements, because it makes my feel important.
I always think if people know about me, they may think of me more, and I can make more friends.
When people tell me I'm pretty or that I'm nice it really does make my day.
If you really knew me, you'd know that...
I am one of the most paranoid people you will ever meet.
A lot of my friends party, and they drink, smoke, and have sex.
I would never be able to do any of these because of all the paranoia that goes on in my head.
(I would never want to smoke anyways) but I would be paranoid of getting caught, being looked down upon, getting pregnant.
I am paranoid of people thinking bad thoughts about me, thinking that my body is misshaped, ugly, or not right.
All of these things keep me from doing not only those things, but even just going out at night.
and I feel like if I don't experience it now, that I may feel pressured in college because I have no clue about anything.
If you really knew me, you'd know that...
I love designing, but I am scared for what people think.
I am business manager for my high school newspaper, which may require designing ads at some point.
Now if the client doesn't like the ad, I feel bad and begin to look down on myself for not doing a better job.
I get anxiety over the little things, like did I include the right things in my essay, is so-and-so still mad at me? Things like that.
If you really knew me, you'd know that...
I am addicted to facebook.
I am on all day, everyday.
and sometimes, the things I see, can put me down.
Like this boy I like.
The moment I try to forget about him, is when he starts popping up all over my screen.
Like in mutual friends, other people's friends, ads, everywhere!
Then I will see that someone had a party, and didn't invite me or something, just annoying little things. It sucks. But being on RV, has distracted me a little bit from it. So thank youu! (:
If you really knew me, you'd know that...
I am a peace keeper
I am not one to share my bad opinions about someone.
I just feel bad for some reason.
I like for everyone around me to be happy, and if that means sacrifices, then so be it.
and now that my list is now forever long, I will leave you with that. I may think of things later.
(:
Thank you for letting me share, and thank you for reading. You guys know more than my actual family knows.
If you really knew me, you'd know that...
I really do have OCD.
Since I was younger I have done things that I just now realized are very OCD-like behavior
I remember in elementary I was teased for smelling my food before I ate it.
But I couldn't stop.
I don't really know how it stopped, but it did.
I go through different phases of obsession, and eventually grow out of it.
Luckily it is not as serious as ones I have seen on TV.
If you really knew me, you'd know that...
I am scared to hang out with people because I don't know what to do or say.
I tend to talk about school a lot, but have learned that people don't want to talk about it,
so I really don't like to hang out with people one on one.
If you really knew me, you'd know that...
I'd much rather stay at home than go out and do something with people.
Because I don't like to talk in fear of annoying others, I keep to myself.
Although this becomes a problem when I get bored and need something to do.
If you really knew me, you'd know that...
My life is a bunch of lists.
No joke. They're everywhere.
Every notebook I have ever started has almost nothing except for lists.
Lists about the weather, lists about make up to try, lists about who to invite to my grad party.
You name it, and I've probably made a list for it.
Sometimes I cannot even function unless I make a list.
Such as homework, I won't start it until I make a list of what all I need to do, and what order to do it it.
It's pathetic, but it's probably something I will never stop.
If you really knew me, you'd know that...
I have cried myself to sleep several times because I think about death.
Whether it's death in my family, my friends, or my own death.
Now, I am not really scared of it anymore, and would almost prefer to die young, I used to be terrified of it.
If you really knew me, you'd know that...
My used to think my parents were going to get divorced, and that scared the hell out of me
I know parents always bicker, but as a child I hated seeing my parents fight, and I would hide up in my room once I heard them arguing.
It would kill me if they ever split up, but the little things that bring them closer make my day. (:
If you really knew me, you'd know that...
I constantly think of myself as unattractive and fat.
I really can't help myself.
My self-esteem lowers when my shorts are snug, when my face breaks out, etc.
I make diet and exercise lists when I just feel like I need to lose weight.
If you really knew me, you'd know that...
As selfish as it sounds, I like to talk about myself and my involvements, because it makes my feel important.
I always think if people know about me, they may think of me more, and I can make more friends.
When people tell me I'm pretty or that I'm nice it really does make my day.
If you really knew me, you'd know that...
I am one of the most paranoid people you will ever meet.
A lot of my friends party, and they drink, smoke, and have sex.
I would never be able to do any of these because of all the paranoia that goes on in my head.
(I would never want to smoke anyways) but I would be paranoid of getting caught, being looked down upon, getting pregnant.
I am paranoid of people thinking bad thoughts about me, thinking that my body is misshaped, ugly, or not right.
All of these things keep me from doing not only those things, but even just going out at night.
and I feel like if I don't experience it now, that I may feel pressured in college because I have no clue about anything.
If you really knew me, you'd know that...
I love designing, but I am scared for what people think.
I am business manager for my high school newspaper, which may require designing ads at some point.
Now if the client doesn't like the ad, I feel bad and begin to look down on myself for not doing a better job.
I get anxiety over the little things, like did I include the right things in my essay, is so-and-so still mad at me? Things like that.
If you really knew me, you'd know that...
I am addicted to facebook.
I am on all day, everyday.
and sometimes, the things I see, can put me down.
Like this boy I like.
The moment I try to forget about him, is when he starts popping up all over my screen.
Like in mutual friends, other people's friends, ads, everywhere!
Then I will see that someone had a party, and didn't invite me or something, just annoying little things. It sucks. But being on RV, has distracted me a little bit from it. So thank youu! (:
If you really knew me, you'd know that...
I am a peace keeper
I am not one to share my bad opinions about someone.
I just feel bad for some reason.
I like for everyone around me to be happy, and if that means sacrifices, then so be it.
and now that my list is now forever long, I will leave you with that. I may think of things later.
(:
Thank you for letting me share, and thank you for reading. You guys know more than my actual family knows.
Last edited by Amber on Thu Jul 29, 2010 7:56 pm; edited 1 time in total
